I should be at the hospital right now (volunteering), but due to unforeseen circumstances I had to cancel. Suddenly I find myself with an entire day free to do as I choose. (So I blog, isn't that nice... -_-)

I made a small schedule for May to organize all the things that I have to do, study, accomplish, etc. Making the schedule took me about 10 minutes, but staring at it made me realize that I have at least one thing to do (test, extra-curricular activities, work, paper due, etc) every day, and I have no break until the end of the day (which can be as early as 2pm on one day, and as late as midnight on ... several days). On average I think I usually get home around 6-8pm.

So my question is this: When am I supposed to STUDY???? I have finals, man! I can't study in the morning because I can't wake up earlier than my regular wake-up time.

Yeah.... I should study TODAY, weeks in advance.

Before I hit the books, I need to finish the laundry I started, and vacuum. Man, don't you wish it wasn't a cultural thing for people to take off their shoes when walking into the house? I mean, really, it's kinda gross if you think about where those shoes have been, and you walk right into your BEDROOM with them on. Anyway, some management people came in to check out the apartments and of course, none of them took off their shoes. Now we need to vacuum everywhere they were. Nothing personal, actually. It's just that... we walk around here barefeet, we sit on the floor, we even roll around on the floor. So yeah.. I need to vacuum.

While the machine is running... (procrastination rearing its ugly head again)

Last week, I lost my first patient. I've been an EMT for a year now, but I work for an interfacility ambulance company so I don't go to 911 calls (yeah, it's kinda boring at times). So most of my patients are medical patients, not trauma patients (which means I don't see much blood, just ... other fluids). This one was an elderly woman who had ESRD and various other medical conditions that rendered her nonverbal, immobile, and generally unconscious.

Anyway, it was supposed to be a routine pick-up. I had actually had her before too. When dispatch gave us the call, I recognized her name and got excited to see her again (it's rewarding to see a patient's progress through time). We got to the dialysis center (anybody who is an EMT can vouch for this, dialysis calls are slow because the patients are ALWAYS stable), and she was still hooked to the machine so I started working on paperwork to make the transfer of patient smoother and faster.

Well, long story short, she went into respiratory arrest, someone called 911, while we tried to get an airway. I could still feel a pulse, but the airway was completely blocked. No rise and fall of the chest at all. The paramedics got there and while they set up the AED and tried to get a line in her, we started to do full CPR. No response. Shock. No response.

I felt her ribs crack under my hands as I performed chest compressions. Through this whole chaos, the son stood there, watching as his mother's life left her.

We stopped after a while when the nurses handed over the DNR form. We placed her body in a separate room, where she would be until the coroner came.

The image of her face is still engraved in my mind. I can still recall the sound and feeling of her ribs breaking as I compressed her chest. I remember the horrified expression on the other patients' faces as they watched (before the nurses set up barriers) a fellow patient die right in front of their eyes. I remember how shocked the son had looked when he realized that she wasn't coming back, when he told the paramedics to let her go.

I think... it's time for me to let it go too. I need to stop thinking about it. I need to stop wishing that things could've been different. The first question I got from fellow EMTs and friends was "are you okay?" Ironically, I am fine. And that's what bothers me. Aren't people supposed to be affected by something like this?

I am at complete peace. I am sad for her death, I regret not having been a more highly trained professional (like a nurse or a paramedic), and I feel sympathy for her family. But I am fine. Absolutely no doubts, no questions. I am as grateful to God as I was before, my attitude, my perspective has not changed.

For whatever reason, this death has not changed me. Has not affected me in a personal way. And that's why I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking that maybe it should have? But... in the words of a wise woman, maybe I should "let it go." Since we know that "death is not the end. It's just a passage."