feeling clumsy

Seems like I find a new bruise every day, but I found one that is pretty big and I can't help wondering when and where I got it. It's already in its healing stage, turning a light green-yellow color. Even while marveling at this gigantic bruise that runs down the entire length of my right shin, I found a bruise on my left hand, near the knuckle of the middle and second finger. How in the world?? Do I kick box in my sleep? Although... I did notice that I tend to forget stuff easily, especially when it's a trauma I cause myself, like kicking the edge of a chair, punching the wall while looking for the light, stubbing my toe on the table, etc. I must have kicked something pretty hard for the bruise to still hurt, even in its healing stage. No idea what to say about the bruise on my hand. I'm so used to being black and blue all the time, it's actually strange to see myself without a scar or a bruise. But honestly, I don't remember the last time I was bruise/scar free. There's always something.

lost in pride

It's already February. It's time to get out of my dark little corner.
The last couple of months have been rather difficult for me. First it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year. I felt accosted from all corners to go closer to God. Remember all the things He did for you, who He is, and how He saved you. Be thankful. He humbled himself and made himself the creature He created. He loved you to death. He still loves you. There's still time. It's a new day, you can begin again. Yet instead of feeling "drawn" to God, I felt "pushed" to God.
I remember when I was a kid I actually liked school and enjoyed doing homework. Yet whenever my dad would tell me to go do my homework, the little devil in me would raise its ugly little head, draw back its ears, and growl at him in anger. "I am my own master! No one tells me what to do." And even though I would have liked to go do my homework, I would refuse to do so. Just to spite him. Just because he told me what to do. In my young mind, I felt that whenever he told me what to do, he stole from me any internal reward I might have gotten out of the situation. If I had been left alone, I would have done the homework, I would have felt self-satisfaction and gratification. But because he told me what to do, now I would simply be the obedient daughter that my dad wanted, instead of the self-motivated independent person I wanted to be. So to assert my independence and to spite him for stealing my opportunity for self-satisfaction, I disobeyed. Intentionally, with malice in my heart. I never grew up.
It is now Lent season. I have been asked, "what will you give up?" I'm starting to understand why I never really felt inspired to "keep lent." In my eyes, there's no worth in something that was not initiated by me. How much more proud could I be? Where did all this self-motivation and self-initiation get me? Nowhere. I literally slept for about three months. Any time I was not at work, I was sleeping. I only woke up enough to spend time with my family or to go to church. I felt like an empty shell, with no energy and no motivation for anything. The only thing that kept me alive was the shadow of financial responsibility and left-over pieces of love for my family. But honestly, I was not depressed. I was simply unmotivated for anything. Just a couple days ago, I slept for roughly 40 hours, with a couple breaks in between to say hi to my parents. This has been true for a few months.
I'm tired. I just want to sleep. What is there worth living for? This world is going to hell, anything of this world will burn and turn to ash. As unworthy as I am, I am saved. I don't want to sin anymore. Can I die now so I can stop? Yet, those few moments when I woke up enough to be with my family, I was truly happy. I thank God for those merciful moments when He taught me that there was more to life than "myself." He has bigger plans for this world than burning it all to ash. God's motivation is love. If those holidays "pushed" me to God, today, God is pulling me towards Him. Even though it feels a lot like being pushed, being pulled involves a whole different set of laws of physics.
And now, I renounce my throne and declare, "God is my master! Only God tells me what to do." This Lent season, I am not giving up anything. I am gaining a King. All else is rubbish anyway.

thoughts on forgiveness

Last week's sermon by Pastor Michael reminded me once again of the wonder of God's grace. The depth of his love. The utter holiness of his justice.

To summarize the sermon, it was from 1 Peter 2:18, and Pastor Michael spoke of how we should respond when we are mistreated/offended by others. He didn't clarify whether the offender was Christian or not, but I guess it doesn't change how we should respond. According to Pastor Michael, there are two parts in such a situation: how I should respond, and how God will respond. First, I should be gracious to the offender, as in show kindness and care. Second, I should be conciliatory, that is, seek reconciliation. On God's part, he will execute clear justice on my behalf. This is based on Jesus' response when he was unjustly persecuted, humiliated, and executed. Jesus not only forgave his offenders, he asked the Father to forgive them, and literally died for their sins to open the way to Salvation. The central truth: when someone mistreats me, my job is to be gracious and conciliatory. God's job is to execute justice on my behalf.

I couldn't help but recognize the severity of God's justice. It is unshakable. It is holy, so much so that human beings would burn in his presence. The justice of God is what we pray for in this corrupt, miserable world. Yet it is the justice of God that will also damn us, for no one is righteous in the presence of the most Holy One. At the same time, the love of God found a Way for us to be reconciled to God. It's as if I was completely lost and God sent me a taxi, paid in full by Jesus' blood. All I have to do is admit that I'm lost, trust the cab driver, and get in. In the end, the world will be categorized in two groups. Those who continue to be lost, and those who were taken home by the cab.

In the context of forgiveness, there are two possible scenarios. The offender who wronged me ignored the cab and continues to walk around lost, or the offender has gotten in the cab and found the way home. It occurred to me while listening to the sermon that perhaps some Christians refuse to forgive their offender because they know how gracious God is and are certain that the offender will get off 'scot-free', since they got in the cab. But at the same time, it is inconceivable to me that I would not forgive someone that God forgave. This offender sinned not only against me, but against God even more. Yet God forgave this offense, at the cost of His Only Begotten Son. How can I not forgive my offender while looking up on the cross, the crucified Christ, who cried to His Father to forgive his transgressors, including my offender? The other scenario would be that my offender ignored the cab and is forever condemned for the pits of hell. I cannot rejoice in this. I cannot be glad of this. I desire for Jesus' sacrifice not to have been in vain. I want my offender to get in the cab.

How deep is your love, O God, that you would bring salvation to this wretched sinner by the blood of the most Holy One? How severe is your justice, O God, that it required the blood of your only begotten Son to satisfy? I kneel at your feet, my Lord, humbled by your grace, broken by your kindness.

baby steps

As Fall nears and stores display Halloween-themed merchandise, I suddenly realize it's been a year since I've been working as a nurse. A year. It's such a short time, yet such a long time. I remember a year ago, when I gave myself one year to become accustomed to being a "professional" so I may start exploring where to go from here on out. And now I stand here, a year since, without an inkling of where to go. I'm nowhere near "accustomed" to nursing; I'm still learning something new every day; I'm still praying earnestly all day, every day. Without God, I cannot function at all.

I enrolled for a class at Rio Hondo College and my schedule worked out so wonderfully around the class, I'm excited to go back to school. But I do have some questions. I'm not sure if this is just another one of those fun things that I like to do, or if it's a manifestation of some deeper anxiety that I'm harboring about my current nursing career. It's a stressful job and I never forget the weight of responsibility that comes with what I do. Never. And that puts me on edge. I love nursing, don't get me wrong. Even though I love the job, I love the atmosphere, I love what I do, I love the people, and I feel called to be a nurse, sometimes I wonder if this is the right nursing setting for me. Another thing I love about nursing: it's very dynamic. Which begs the question, should I look for a different way to practice nursing? I joke with my sister how astronauts need nurses too, out there in space stations. Okay, it's only half a joke. If only my credentials met even half the requirements...

So here I am, one year into my career, pondering the future. Jesus may come today, tomorrow, twenty years in the future. Whatever the case may be, I'm still alive, and I still have dreams. Dreams that are being shaped into goals, one by one. Change is gradual and slow, sometimes imperceptible. I take a tentative step into that big unknown, hoping it will be a good one.

Obvious truth

God answers prayer.
For the past year or so, God's been teaching me about the power of prayer. My dad really likes to have the family pray together for a topic, so in a sense, I'm "forced to" pray for a topic that I may or may not agree with. For one reason or another, my heart would not be in the prayer, and even while saying the words, deep in my heart I would secretly hope that God would answer in the negative.

Let me share an example. Last year, my sister was looking for a job. Naturally, we prayed together for God to open doors of opportunity for her. Meanwhile, I was praying a different prayer in my heart. I was praying for her to not find a job yet, so that she may rest and have some time to be rejuvenated. The ironic thing is, God answered my selfish prayer, not the earnest prayer of my family. Only when I joined the rest of my family in sincerity did He provide a job for her. And a really good one at that.

I do that a lot when I pray for people. When you have a Kingdom mindset, sometimes you forget the very real needs of this world: Like a job, like a house, like sleep. I say the words, yet my heart is earnestly praying for other things, not necessarily in the negative, i.e. don't give her a job, but focused on a completely different thing, i.e. give her peace and rest. Sometimes I need to remind myself what it is exactly that I am praying for, and the obvious truth that God knows what's in my heart, past the words of my mouth. God answers prayer.

Changing topics. Proverbs 16:31 says,
"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained in the way of righteousness."

Yes, I am there. My heart is glad.

Well, at least I didn't pass a year since the last post.

I'm procrastinating. School hasn't even started yet, and I'm already procrastinating. My last year as a nursing student has finally arrived. Cory and I went to Guatemala over the summer, and of course, there is a paper that needs to be written all about what we learned during our stay there. Perhaps I'm procrastinating because the paper is almost finished and only needs some revision and reorganization. Or I'm just being lazy. Whatever it may be, it is past 2am and I'm still sitting with the computer on my lap.

The weather finally caught up with the calendar and it feels like summer. I opened the window to let in the cool night breeze, which brings some relief. It is definitely dry compared to Guatemala, and my skin is the first to react to this change. Lips are chapped and skin is in dire need for lotion. All in all, I miss Guatemala's nightly thunderstorms.

I really need to work on this paper, among other things. Maybe I'm just distracted. I have a date~! In any case, blogging isn't helping me finish what I need to do. Sigh...

New year's resolution: journal

Purpose: keep a record of life's lessons and experiences, so as to prevent repeating the same mistakes and grow in wisdom and character

FAIL

A whole month has passed since New Year. 2010. Time sure goes fast when you get older. Maybe it felt longer because I was in Winter break and just worked. It's almost 2am and the first day of Spring semester starts in less than 6 hours, so I'll make this a short entry.

Not much happened as an "event", but too much has happened as "transformation". Now my resolve is for this transformation to take root and bear fruit, not shift back to its old form and retain status quo. Suffice it to say, God is faithful and He is my only hope.

How's that for a short entry? Now I should sleep.