lost in pride
It's already February. It's time to get out of my dark little corner.
The last couple of months have been rather difficult for me. First it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year. I felt accosted from all corners to go closer to God. Remember all the things He did for you, who He is, and how He saved you. Be thankful. He humbled himself and made himself the creature He created. He loved you to death. He still loves you. There's still time. It's a new day, you can begin again. Yet instead of feeling "drawn" to God, I felt "pushed" to God.
I remember when I was a kid I actually liked school and enjoyed doing homework. Yet whenever my dad would tell me to go do my homework, the little devil in me would raise its ugly little head, draw back its ears, and growl at him in anger. "I am my own master! No one tells me what to do." And even though I would have liked to go do my homework, I would refuse to do so. Just to spite him. Just because he told me what to do. In my young mind, I felt that whenever he told me what to do, he stole from me any internal reward I might have gotten out of the situation. If I had been left alone, I would have done the homework, I would have felt self-satisfaction and gratification. But because he told me what to do, now I would simply be the obedient daughter that my dad wanted, instead of the self-motivated independent person I wanted to be. So to assert my independence and to spite him for stealing my opportunity for self-satisfaction, I disobeyed. Intentionally, with malice in my heart. I never grew up.
It is now Lent season. I have been asked, "what will you give up?" I'm starting to understand why I never really felt inspired to "keep lent." In my eyes, there's no worth in something that was not initiated by me. How much more proud could I be? Where did all this self-motivation and self-initiation get me? Nowhere. I literally slept for about three months. Any time I was not at work, I was sleeping. I only woke up enough to spend time with my family or to go to church. I felt like an empty shell, with no energy and no motivation for anything. The only thing that kept me alive was the shadow of financial responsibility and left-over pieces of love for my family. But honestly, I was not depressed. I was simply unmotivated for anything. Just a couple days ago, I slept for roughly 40 hours, with a couple breaks in between to say hi to my parents. This has been true for a few months.
I'm tired. I just want to sleep. What is there worth living for? This world is going to hell, anything of this world will burn and turn to ash. As unworthy as I am, I am saved. I don't want to sin anymore. Can I die now so I can stop? Yet, those few moments when I woke up enough to be with my family, I was truly happy. I thank God for those merciful moments when He taught me that there was more to life than "myself." He has bigger plans for this world than burning it all to ash. God's motivation is love. If those holidays "pushed" me to God, today, God is pulling me towards Him. Even though it feels a lot like being pushed, being pulled involves a whole different set of laws of physics.
And now, I renounce my throne and declare, "God is my master! Only God tells me what to do." This Lent season, I am not giving up anything. I am gaining a King. All else is rubbish anyway.
The last couple of months have been rather difficult for me. First it was Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year. I felt accosted from all corners to go closer to God. Remember all the things He did for you, who He is, and how He saved you. Be thankful. He humbled himself and made himself the creature He created. He loved you to death. He still loves you. There's still time. It's a new day, you can begin again. Yet instead of feeling "drawn" to God, I felt "pushed" to God.
I remember when I was a kid I actually liked school and enjoyed doing homework. Yet whenever my dad would tell me to go do my homework, the little devil in me would raise its ugly little head, draw back its ears, and growl at him in anger. "I am my own master! No one tells me what to do." And even though I would have liked to go do my homework, I would refuse to do so. Just to spite him. Just because he told me what to do. In my young mind, I felt that whenever he told me what to do, he stole from me any internal reward I might have gotten out of the situation. If I had been left alone, I would have done the homework, I would have felt self-satisfaction and gratification. But because he told me what to do, now I would simply be the obedient daughter that my dad wanted, instead of the self-motivated independent person I wanted to be. So to assert my independence and to spite him for stealing my opportunity for self-satisfaction, I disobeyed. Intentionally, with malice in my heart. I never grew up.
It is now Lent season. I have been asked, "what will you give up?" I'm starting to understand why I never really felt inspired to "keep lent." In my eyes, there's no worth in something that was not initiated by me. How much more proud could I be? Where did all this self-motivation and self-initiation get me? Nowhere. I literally slept for about three months. Any time I was not at work, I was sleeping. I only woke up enough to spend time with my family or to go to church. I felt like an empty shell, with no energy and no motivation for anything. The only thing that kept me alive was the shadow of financial responsibility and left-over pieces of love for my family. But honestly, I was not depressed. I was simply unmotivated for anything. Just a couple days ago, I slept for roughly 40 hours, with a couple breaks in between to say hi to my parents. This has been true for a few months.
I'm tired. I just want to sleep. What is there worth living for? This world is going to hell, anything of this world will burn and turn to ash. As unworthy as I am, I am saved. I don't want to sin anymore. Can I die now so I can stop? Yet, those few moments when I woke up enough to be with my family, I was truly happy. I thank God for those merciful moments when He taught me that there was more to life than "myself." He has bigger plans for this world than burning it all to ash. God's motivation is love. If those holidays "pushed" me to God, today, God is pulling me towards Him. Even though it feels a lot like being pushed, being pulled involves a whole different set of laws of physics.
And now, I renounce my throne and declare, "God is my master! Only God tells me what to do." This Lent season, I am not giving up anything. I am gaining a King. All else is rubbish anyway.
posted by Debora at
5:36 PM
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