"I love you"

It's hard being home. The criticisms, the demands that seem to cut my heart in two. Home is a taste of Heaven, but Home is also a constant burning. Unable to relax in her presence, I am a coward. I hide away in my room, I simply hide away. Even knowing that she loves me and that she only wants to make me a better person doesn't help the constant heartbreak at not being good enough in her eyes.

Comparing me to people I don't even know, she lets me know all the things I lack. "It's true, it's true" I think to myself. But the helplessness, the hopelessness, and eventually the resentment fill my heart with poison. Unable to say anything in my own defense, I can't bring myself to pray to God. "She's closer to God than me," I say. I'm still sinful, I'm still weak. But her life is filled with studying the Bible, praying, and worshiping God.

I know these thoughts are wrong, I know that perhaps I should just try harder to become a better person and stop trying to find fault in her. She said to me, "the closer you get to God, you will see more of your sinfulness and you will see only the goodness of others." My heart rebelled at that, and my bitter thoughts came. Then how is it that she seems to only find fault in me? I couldn't agree with her. She's human, she could be wrong, but insecurities make me doubt myself. I say, maybe it's not that I really disagree with her, maybe I'm just trying to find fault in her. And the thoughts go on. Never-ending cycle.

I want to run away, I miss being in college, away from home... from her. But God doesn't let me. I think He wants me to talk with her. I'm afraid to talk to her. If I tell her all this, I'm absolutely sure she'll say it's my sinfulness that's keeping me from repenting my ways.

She never fails to mention that I'm too fat, that she hasn't seen me pray enough, she hasn't seen me reading the Bible enough, she doesn't think I'm obedient enough, she thinks I should be more respectful, and so on. Yes, I am a sinner, and I lament my sinfulness... but I can't help saying "but." Didn't Jesus die for my sins? Am I not searching and struggling? I don't know what to do, what to think, when she criticizes my relationship with God, not a lack of relationship, but the relationship itself; and my actions (e.g. such as not dropping everything I have in my hands and bowing when an older person is talking to me). Guilt, shame, resentment, insecurities.

I know I should talk to her, but it still takes time to gather up the courage to do so.


If I may make a confession,
"I love you" does not come easily for me.
Maybe it's the culture,
maybe it's my feeble heart,
but above all it's fear.

Fear of rejection,
fear of betrayal,
fear of loving a love that's not real.

I met new people,
I met brothers and sisters.
They said "I love you"
and I said, "me too."
I'm reminded of the Scripture that says
those who don't love don't know God,
for God is Love.

Maybe it was the setting,
maybe it was the people.
But I found myself loving,
finding joy in love,
finding pain in love,
finding despair in loving those
who know not God.
finding hope in loving those
who want to know God.

I love because Jesus loves
otherwise how could I possibly love?
If I may make a confession,
I love you.